There is a form or abuse I don't think any of us consciously are aware of that we all do that sign into SL. That is a neglect of our families. We spent so much time here that this becomes what is real while the ones that depend on us are left hanging. I have a friend in RL that stayed on pretty much 24/7. Her son was 13 when she started in SL and he would tell her that he was ok with her being on but the reality was that he was not. When he graduated this past year, he moved to the town that his much older sister lives in with her husband and family and now won't speak to her or his father. Now he admits that he was neglected by her and his job obsessed father. This is far more common than we realize. There are so many parents in SL that spend their time inworld and not with the people that love them. Perhaps since the man I was engaged to was killed and I lost our baby after that , I am more aware than most. I would give anything to have had a life with them and was robbed of it . There is someone in SL right now that claims to be a mother and her family has issues that should be curtailing her SL time. Yet she is inworld almost constantly. I hope and pray that she is the RL man , I think she is and not the mother she claims to be. Or I greatly fear we have a clock tower shooter growing in her neglected household.
Second Life is fun but as I found out it is not real in any shape, form or fashion. The person that says how much they love you will turn on you in time and your neglected real life ones will not be there. Remember that next time your child is looking for a bit of attention and love.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Deceptions
There have been many subjects on my mind on the way we use and hurt one another. This is true in RL and seems to be very prevalent in SL. Lying to another in RP is one thing. Both parties know and understand that it is part of the "game" But to set out to deceive someone deliberately about your martial status, age , or real gender , when you and that person are involved in a "relationship" is yet another form of abuse. There are some say no harm since you will never meet anyway but there are many that for example can't stand the thought of sex with a man. So if are a man in female avi , you should back off or let the other person know. I have no objections to experiencing new things. That is what SL is about . But when you use it to hurt others and to cause pain , then it is a different thing altogether.
This has been on my mind alot lately. I wonder to this day if I was told the truth about my ex love's widower status or if his other exes are right and he made the whole thing up. Am I the fool for still believing in him ? And what of the RL men in the female avies? What drives them? Do they know what a sneaky cowardly this is ? That they can do real emotional harm ? Do they care? There is one in particular that I have in mind that I doubt "she " does. "Her " actions have been cruel and uncaring toward others around "her". "She " pretends the greatest of care toward the people unlucky enough to call " her " friend , while sneaking and making fun of them and discussing their private lives in sims to which they don't go. SL is a small town in a lot of ways though and word does get around esp in the adult communities. The actions of this avi would explain why "she" has no long term friends from when " she" was new and "she" does not manage to stay close to most people now. Just those either too innocent to see or those that delight in the pain of others like "her"self. I think on some level those under "her " know but don't want to admit it . One of the ones under " her, has "her " in his profile as the most special person not woman . That is very telling. It would also explain his inability to submit to "her".
I can almost see this man in RL while he is sitting at the computer typing. he is a small man with greasy long dark hair parted and pulled back, a rat face with a mustache. Since he tries to hurt strong women in SL , I would say he had a bad relationship with a strong woman in the past, perhaps even his mother. It would almost be possible to feel sorry for him if he did not do so much damage and delight in every ounce of pain he causes. I can only give thanks for my own mother that taught me to feel for others and to always try to treat them as I want to be treated. It is too bad there are not more mothers like her in the world. If we all loved each other and followed The Golden Rule , RL and SL both would be happier and much better places.
This has been on my mind alot lately. I wonder to this day if I was told the truth about my ex love's widower status or if his other exes are right and he made the whole thing up. Am I the fool for still believing in him ? And what of the RL men in the female avies? What drives them? Do they know what a sneaky cowardly this is ? That they can do real emotional harm ? Do they care? There is one in particular that I have in mind that I doubt "she " does. "Her " actions have been cruel and uncaring toward others around "her". "She " pretends the greatest of care toward the people unlucky enough to call " her " friend , while sneaking and making fun of them and discussing their private lives in sims to which they don't go. SL is a small town in a lot of ways though and word does get around esp in the adult communities. The actions of this avi would explain why "she" has no long term friends from when " she" was new and "she" does not manage to stay close to most people now. Just those either too innocent to see or those that delight in the pain of others like "her"self. I think on some level those under "her " know but don't want to admit it . One of the ones under " her, has "her " in his profile as the most special person not woman . That is very telling. It would also explain his inability to submit to "her".
I can almost see this man in RL while he is sitting at the computer typing. he is a small man with greasy long dark hair parted and pulled back, a rat face with a mustache. Since he tries to hurt strong women in SL , I would say he had a bad relationship with a strong woman in the past, perhaps even his mother. It would almost be possible to feel sorry for him if he did not do so much damage and delight in every ounce of pain he causes. I can only give thanks for my own mother that taught me to feel for others and to always try to treat them as I want to be treated. It is too bad there are not more mothers like her in the world. If we all loved each other and followed The Golden Rule , RL and SL both would be happier and much better places.
Monday, August 29, 2011
When does the cycle end?
So much has been written and printed about the cycle of abuse. About how victims frequently become abusers themselves. I was one of those people that thought she was above such things. I thought nothing could break me. But today on the day of the anniversery of the day I met him , I acknowledge , I broke, I shattered , and in the time of my breaking, I abused him back and abused those around me. I became the abuser. After I came to my senses and I fessed up , I have heard that he deserved it , that it was understandable. This might be true but it in no way excuses it . The truth is in doing what I did , I kept the cycle of abuse going. I hurt my friends that I love and would do anything for. I hurt him whom I still love and I ended up protecting him from other forces out to do him harm. It turns out I was not the only person trying to get him out of SL. I was just the one trying to make him leave of his own choices. Worst of all I hurt myself. I betrayed myself. Not only did I hurt myself hurting him since I still love him and when he hurts I hurt, but now he hates me. I betrayed my ethics and hurt myself greatly that way . I damaged my sense of self in a way that will take years to repair. And I damaged my trust in myself that I would do the right thing no matter what. It does not matter the life forces that helped me to be broken. It does not matter what he did. Nothing excuses abuse. I ask you all to think of this the next time you feel the need to return hurt with hurt. These are my thoughts on this day. The anniversery of the day I met him. I knew then he would change my life. I just had no idea how.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Reposting since it needs to be seen
IN the virtual worlds this is the kind of abuse that happens most often.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_manipulation
Basic manipulative strategy of a psychopath
According to Hare and Babiak,[4] psychopaths are always on the lookout for individuals to scam or swindle. The psychopathic approach includes three phases:
As interaction with the victim proceeds, the psychopath carefully assesses the victim's persona. The victim's persona gives the psychopath a picture of the traits and characteristics valued in the victim. The victim's persona may also reveal, to an astute observer, insecurities or weaknesses the victim wishes to minimize or hide from view. As an ardent student of human behavior, the psychopath will then gently test the inner strengths and needs that are part of the victim's private self and eventually build a personal relationship with the victim.
The persona of the psychopath - the “personality” the victim is bonding with - does not really exist. It is built on lies, carefully woven together to entrap the victim. It is a mask, one of many, custom-made by the psychopath to fit the victim's particular psychological needs and expectations. The victimization is predatory in nature; it often leads to severe financial, physical or emotional harm for the individual. Healthy, real relationships are built on mutual respect and trust; they are based on sharing honest thoughts and feelings. The victim's mistaken belief that the psychopathic bond has any of these characteristics is the reason it is so successful.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_manipulation
Basic manipulative strategy of a psychopath
According to Hare and Babiak,[4] psychopaths are always on the lookout for individuals to scam or swindle. The psychopathic approach includes three phases:
[edit] 1. Assessment phase
Some psychopaths are opportunistic, aggressive predators who will take advantage of almost anyone they meet, while others are more patient, waiting for the perfect, innocent victim to cross their path. In each case, the psychopath is constantly sizing up the potential usefulness of an individual as a source of money, power, sex, or influence. Some psychopaths enjoy a challenge while others prey on people who are vulnerable. During the assessment phase, the psychopath is able to determine a potential victim’s weak points and will use those weak points to seduce.[edit] 2. Manipulation phase
Once the psychopath has identified a victim, the manipulation phase begins. During the manipulation phase, a psychopath may create a persona or mask, specifically designed to ‘work’ for his or her target. A psychopath will lie to gain the trust of their victim. Psychopaths' lack of empathy and guilt allows them to lie with impunity; they do not see the value of telling the truth unless it will help get them what they want.As interaction with the victim proceeds, the psychopath carefully assesses the victim's persona. The victim's persona gives the psychopath a picture of the traits and characteristics valued in the victim. The victim's persona may also reveal, to an astute observer, insecurities or weaknesses the victim wishes to minimize or hide from view. As an ardent student of human behavior, the psychopath will then gently test the inner strengths and needs that are part of the victim's private self and eventually build a personal relationship with the victim.
The persona of the psychopath - the “personality” the victim is bonding with - does not really exist. It is built on lies, carefully woven together to entrap the victim. It is a mask, one of many, custom-made by the psychopath to fit the victim's particular psychological needs and expectations. The victimization is predatory in nature; it often leads to severe financial, physical or emotional harm for the individual. Healthy, real relationships are built on mutual respect and trust; they are based on sharing honest thoughts and feelings. The victim's mistaken belief that the psychopathic bond has any of these characteristics is the reason it is so successful.
[edit] 3. Abandonment phase
The abandonment phase begins when the psychopath decides that his or her victim is no longer useful. The psychopath abandons his or her victim and moves on to someone else. In the case of romantic relationships, a psychopath will usually seal a relationship with their next target before abandoning his or her current victim. Sometimes, the psychopath has three individuals on whom he or she is running game: the one who has been recently abandoned, who is being toyed with and kept in the picture in case the other two do not work out; the one who is currently being played and is about to be abandoned; and the third, who is being groomed by the psychopath, in anticipation of abandoning the current "mark". Abandonment can happen quickly and can occur without the current victim knowing that the psychopath was looking for someone new. There will be no apologies, or at least no sincere apologies, for the hurt and pain the psychopath causes, because psychopaths do not appreciate these emotions.Tuesday, June 28, 2011
The following is a guest post from a great, dear lady.
I have been under the weather since the last post and Gina kindly wrote the following to keep the blog active. Please read and enjoy.
=============================================================================
Don't Get Smeared! Dealing with Character Defamation in Second Life
Note: I'm not giving away all my secrets here: that wouldn't be wise!
by Ginette Pinazzo
Getting insulted is bad enough. It can ruin part of your day. Getting insulted in public? That rises to the level of shocking or ridiculous. Getting insulted repeatedly in the media? Well, now......people go to courtrooms over that! I am here t tell you that character defamation in Second Life is something you can survive and defeat.
Second Life is a wonderful place with a wonderful diverse mix of personality types, though a few of those personality types might really live under a bridge and seem to delight in harassing passers-by. In the stories of my childhood, these creatures wee known as trolls. It is just slightly possible, as your Second Life career continues, you will feel the rocks tossed by trolls and your character under threat.
The good news is that the Goddess of Creation has seen fit to make trolls inherently lazy creatures, so they will toss rocks only as long as it is easy for them. You can simply laugh and refuse to be lazy like them. I'll show you how.....
When negative publicity appears, drown it in positive. Post your own blogs, get reviews and interviews about you and your work, collaborate with others on projects to be 'more out there'. It is easy to suffocate the trolls in positive energy. After all, the real reason those creatures try to defame you anyway, is because of their inability to be as good as you are, and to be productive. Their jealousy turns to rock tossing. Realize they are too lazy to be as good as you, so they are too lazy to continue defaming for long. They will give up and move on, but you must shine a bright line in their eyes (they live in the dark, see?)
I've been the subject of some fairly ridiculous character defamation from trolls in Second Life, but I find its easily resolved by shining the bright light of positive energy, continuing to do good things and live a good life, and making all of that public. Good PR can drown bad PR. Be resolute to post more good news every day, stay in the public eye (don't retreat) and let others who love you, speak well of you.
It may be tempting for you to sink to their level and attack them back. Obviously, that won't help your positive image and that just fuels their imaginary fight. They will be lazy and give up if you out-PR them, because it takes too much work for them to be as good as you. If you insult them back, though, they will escalate the defamation because that is easy for them. Make it hard for them. Just be good.
=============================================================================
Don't Get Smeared! Dealing with Character Defamation in Second Life
Note: I'm not giving away all my secrets here: that wouldn't be wise!
by Ginette Pinazzo
Getting insulted is bad enough. It can ruin part of your day. Getting insulted in public? That rises to the level of shocking or ridiculous. Getting insulted repeatedly in the media? Well, now......people go to courtrooms over that! I am here t tell you that character defamation in Second Life is something you can survive and defeat.
Second Life is a wonderful place with a wonderful diverse mix of personality types, though a few of those personality types might really live under a bridge and seem to delight in harassing passers-by. In the stories of my childhood, these creatures wee known as trolls. It is just slightly possible, as your Second Life career continues, you will feel the rocks tossed by trolls and your character under threat.
The good news is that the Goddess of Creation has seen fit to make trolls inherently lazy creatures, so they will toss rocks only as long as it is easy for them. You can simply laugh and refuse to be lazy like them. I'll show you how.....
When negative publicity appears, drown it in positive. Post your own blogs, get reviews and interviews about you and your work, collaborate with others on projects to be 'more out there'. It is easy to suffocate the trolls in positive energy. After all, the real reason those creatures try to defame you anyway, is because of their inability to be as good as you are, and to be productive. Their jealousy turns to rock tossing. Realize they are too lazy to be as good as you, so they are too lazy to continue defaming for long. They will give up and move on, but you must shine a bright line in their eyes (they live in the dark, see?)
I've been the subject of some fairly ridiculous character defamation from trolls in Second Life, but I find its easily resolved by shining the bright light of positive energy, continuing to do good things and live a good life, and making all of that public. Good PR can drown bad PR. Be resolute to post more good news every day, stay in the public eye (don't retreat) and let others who love you, speak well of you.
It may be tempting for you to sink to their level and attack them back. Obviously, that won't help your positive image and that just fuels their imaginary fight. They will be lazy and give up if you out-PR them, because it takes too much work for them to be as good as you. If you insult them back, though, they will escalate the defamation because that is easy for them. Make it hard for them. Just be good.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Mental Manipulation.
This is the main form of abuse in Second Life. It was used on me and I know it has been many others. I got chills when I read this , remembering different conversations. Hindsight is 20/20 but it is too bad that we do not know in the past to see what is going on. The worse part is even now and knowing what he is and what he did, i still love him. It is far easier to love someone than to stop, if you are capable of real emotions. ." The end paragraph really hit home for me since i asked him "How could you do this to me?" His reply, "What did I do to you ? I did nothing."
Psychological manipulation is a type of social influence that aims to change the perception or behavior of others through underhanded, deceptive, or even abusive tactics.[1] By advancing the interests of the manipulator, often at the other's expense, such methods could be considered exploitative, abusive, devious, and deceptive.
Social influence is not necessarily negative. For example, doctors can try to persuade patients to change unhealthy habits. Social influence is generally perceived to be harmless when it respects the right of the influenced to accept or reject it, and is not unduly coercive. Depending on the context and motivations, social influence may constitute underhanded manipulation.
Requirements for successful manipulationAccording to George K. Simon, successful psychological manipulation primarily involves the manipulator:
1.concealing aggressive intentions and behaviors.
2.knowing the psychological vulnerabilities of the victim to determine what tactics are likely to be the most effective.
3.having a sufficient level of ruthlessness to have no qualms about causing harm to the victim if necessary.
Consequently the manipulation is likely to be covert (relational aggressive or passive aggressive).[2]
[edit] How manipulators control their victims[edit] According to BraikerBraiker[1] identified the following basic ways that manipulators control their victims:
positive reinforcement - includes praise, superficial charm, superficial sympathy (crocodile tears), excessive apologizing; money, approval, gifts; attention, facial expressions such as a forced laugh or smile; public recognition.
negative reinforcement - includes nagging, yelling, the silent treatment, intimidation, threats, swearing, emotional blackmail, the guilt trap, sulking, crying, and playing the victim.
intermittent or partial reinforcement - Partial or intermittent negative reinforcement can create an effective climate of fear and doubt, for example in terrorist attacks. Partial or intermittent positive reinforcement can encourage the victim to persist - for example in most forms of gambling, the gambler is likely to win now and again but still lose money overall.
punishment
traumatic one-trial learning - using verbal abuse, explosive anger, or other intimidating behavior to establish dominance or superiority; even one incident of such behavior can condition or train victims to avoid upsetting, confronting or contradicting the manipulator.
[edit] According to SimonSimon[2] identified the following manipulative techniques:
Lying: It is hard to tell if somebody is lying at the time they do it although often the truth may be apparent later when it is too late. One way to minimize the chances of being lied to is to understand that some personality types (particularly psychopaths) are experts at the art of lying and cheating, doing it frequently, and often in subtle ways.
Lying by omission: This is a very subtle form of lying by withholding a significant amount of the truth. This technique is also used in propaganda.
Denial: Manipulator refuses to admit that he or she has done something wrong.
Rationalization: An excuse made by the manipulator for inappropriate behavior. Rationalization is closely related to spin.
Minimization: This is a type of denial coupled with rationalization. The manipulator asserts that his or her behavior is not as harmful or irresponsible as someone else was suggesting, for example saying that a taunt or insult was only a joke.
Selective inattention or selective attention: Manipulator refuses to pay attention to anything that may distract from his or her agenda, saying things like "I don't want to hear it".
Diversion: Manipulator not giving a straight answer to a straight question and instead being diversionary, steering the conversation onto another topic.
Evasion: Similar to diversion but giving irrelevant, rambling, vague responses, weasel words.
Covert intimidation: Manipulator throwing the victim onto the defensive by using veiled (subtle, indirect or implied) threats.
Guilt tripping: A special kind of intimidation tactic. A manipulator suggests to the conscientious victim that he or she does not care enough, is too selfish or has it easy. This usually results in the victim feeling bad, keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious and submissive position.
Shaming: Manipulator uses sarcasm and put-downs to increase fear and self-doubt in the victim. Manipulators use this tactic to make others feel unworthy and therefore defer to them. Shaming tactics can be very subtle such as a fierce look or glance, unpleasant tone of voice, rhetorical comments, subtle sarcasm. Manipulators can make one feel ashamed for even daring to challenge them. It is an effective way to foster a sense of inadequacy in the victim.
Playing the victim role ("poor me"): Manipulator portrays him- or herself as a victim of circumstance or of someone else's behavior in order to gain pity, sympathy or evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. Caring and conscientious people cannot stand to see anyone suffering and the manipulator often finds it easy to play on sympathy to get cooperation.
Vilifying the victim: More than any other, this tactic is a powerful means of putting the victim on the defensive while simultaneously masking the aggressive intent of the manipulator.
Playing the servant role: Cloaking a self-serving agenda in guise of a service to a more noble cause, for example saying he is acting in a certain way for "obedience" and "service" to God or a similar authority figure.
Seduction: Manipulator uses charm, praise, flattery or overtly supporting others in order to get them to lower their defenses and give their trust and loyalty to him or her.
Projecting the blame (blaming others): Manipulator scapegoats in often subtle, hard to detect ways.
Feigning innocence: Manipulator tries to suggest that any harm done was unintentional or did not do something that they were accused of. Manipulator may put on a look of surprise or indignation. This tactic makes the victim question his or her own judgment and possibly his own sanity.
Feigning confusion: Manipulator tries to play dumb by pretending he or she does not know what you are talking about or is confused about an important issue brought to his attention.
Brandishing anger: Manipulator uses anger to brandish sufficient emotional intensity and rage to shock the victim into submission. The manipulator is not actually angry, he or she just puts on an act. He just wants what he wants and gets "angry" when denied.
[edit] Vulnerabilities exploited by manipulatorsAccording to Braiker,[1] manipulators exploit the following vulnerabilities (buttons) that may exist in victims:
the "disease to please"
addiction to earning the approval and acceptance of others
Emotophobia (fear of negative emotion)
lack of assertiveness and ability to say no
blurry sense of identity (with soft personal boundaries)
low self-reliance
external locus of control
According to Simon,[2] manipulators exploit the following vulnerabilities that may exist in victims:
naïveté - victim finds it too hard to accept the idea that some people are cunning, devious and ruthless or is "in denial" if he or she is being victimized
over-conscientiousness - victim is too willing to give manipulator the benefit of the doubt and see their side of things in which they blame the victim
low self-confidence - victim is self-doubting, lacking in confidence and assertiveness, likely to go on the defensive too easily.
over-intellectualization - victim tries too hard to understand and believes the manipulator has some understandable reason to be hurtful.
emotional dependency - victim has a submissive or dependent personality. The more emotionally dependent the victim is, the more vulnerable he or she is to being exploited and manipulated.
Manipulators generally take the time to scope out the characteristics and vulnerabilities of their victim.
According to Kantor,[3] the following are vulnerable to psychopathic manipulators:
too trusting - people who are honest often assume that everyone else is honest. They commit themselves to people they hardly know without checking credentials, etc. They rarely question so-called experts.
too altruistic - the opposite of psychopathic; too honest, too fair, too empathetic
too impressionable - overly seduced by charmers. For example, they might vote for the phony politician who kisses babies.
too naïve - cannot believe there are dishonest people in the world or if there were they would not be allowed to operate.
too masochistic - lack of self-respect and unconsciously let psychopaths take advantage of them. They think they deserve it out of a sense of guilt.
too narcissistic - narcissists are prone to falling for unmerited flattery.
too greedy - the greedy and dishonest may fall prey to a psychopath who can easily entice them to act in an immoral way.
too immature - has impaired judgment and believes the exaggerated advertising claims.
too materialistic - easy prey for loan sharks or get-rich-quick schemes
too dependent - dependent people need to be loved and are therefore gullible and liable to say yes to something to which they should say no.
too lonely - lonely people may accept any offer of human contact. A psychopathic stranger may offer human companionship for a price.
too impulsive - make snap decisions about, for example, what to buy or whom to marry without consulting others.
too frugal - cannot say no to a bargain even if they know the reason why it is so cheap
the elderly - the elderly can become fatigued and less capable of multi-tasking. When hearing a sales pitch they are less likely to consider that it could be a con. They are prone to giving money to someone with a hard-luck story. See elder abuse.
[edit] Motivations of manipulatorsManipulators have three possible motivations:[1]
The need to advance their own purposes and their own gain at virtually any cost to others
The manipulator has strong needs to attain feelings of power and superiority in relationships with others
Manipulators want and need to feel in control - control freakery
[edit] Psychological conditions of manipulatorsManipulators may have any of the following psychological conditions:[1]
Machiavellian personality
narcissistic personality disorder
borderline personality disorder
avoidant personality disorder
dependent personality disorder
histrionic personality disorder
passive-aggressive behavior
type A angry personalities
antisocial personality disorder
addictive personalities.
[edit] Basic manipulative strategy of a psychopathAccording to Hare and Babiak,[4] psychopaths are always on the lookout for individuals to scam or swindle. The psychopathic approach includes three phases:
[edit] 1. Assessment phaseSome psychopaths are opportunistic, aggressive predators who will take advantage of almost anyone they meet, while others are more patient, waiting for the perfect, innocent victim to cross their path. In each case, the psychopath is constantly sizing up the potential usefulness of an individual as a source of money, power, sex, or influence. Some psychopaths enjoy a challenge while others prey on people who are vulnerable. During the assessment phase, the psychopath is able to determine a potential victim’s weak points and will use those weak points to seduce.
[edit] 2. Manipulation phaseOnce the psychopath has identified a victim, the manipulation phase begins. During the manipulation phase, a psychopath may create a persona or mask, specifically designed to ‘work’ for his or her target. A psychopath will lie to gain the trust of their victim. Psychopaths' lack of empathy and guilt allows them to lie with impunity; they do not see the value of telling the truth unless it will help get them what they want.
As interaction with the victim proceeds, the psychopath carefully assesses the victim's persona. The victim's persona gives the psychopath a picture of the traits and characteristics valued in the victim. The victim's persona may also reveal, to an astute observer, insecurities or weaknesses the victim wishes to minimize or hide from view. As an ardent student of human behavior, the psychopath will then gently test the inner strengths and needs that are part of the victim's private self and eventually build a personal relationship with the victim.
The persona of the psychopath - the “personality” the victim is bonding with - does not really exist. It is built on lies, carefully woven together to entrap the victim. It is a mask, one of many, custom-made by the psychopath to fit the victim's particular psychological needs and expectations. The victimization is predatory in nature; it often leads to severe financial, physical or emotional harm for the individual. Healthy, real relationships are built on mutual respect and trust; they are based on sharing honest thoughts and feelings. The victim's mistaken belief that the psychopathic bond has any of these characteristics is the reason it is so successful.
[edit] 3. Abandonment phaseThe abandonment phase begins when the psychopath decides that his or her victim is no longer useful. The psychopath abandons his or her victim and moves on to someone else. In the case of romantic relationships, a psychopath will usually seal a relationship with their next target before abandoning his or her current victim. Sometimes, the psychopath has three individuals on whom he or she is running game: the one who has been recently abandoned, who is being toyed with and kept in the picture in case the other two do not work out; the one who is currently being played and is about to be abandoned; and the third, who is being groomed by the psychopath, in anticipation of abandoning the current "mark". Abandonment can happen quickly and can occur without the current victim knowing that the psychopath was looking for someone new. There will be no apologies, or at least no sincere apologies, for the hurt and pain the psychopath causes, because psychopaths do not appreciate these emotions.
Psychological manipulation is a type of social influence that aims to change the perception or behavior of others through underhanded, deceptive, or even abusive tactics.[1] By advancing the interests of the manipulator, often at the other's expense, such methods could be considered exploitative, abusive, devious, and deceptive.
Social influence is not necessarily negative. For example, doctors can try to persuade patients to change unhealthy habits. Social influence is generally perceived to be harmless when it respects the right of the influenced to accept or reject it, and is not unduly coercive. Depending on the context and motivations, social influence may constitute underhanded manipulation.
Requirements for successful manipulationAccording to George K. Simon, successful psychological manipulation primarily involves the manipulator:
1.concealing aggressive intentions and behaviors.
2.knowing the psychological vulnerabilities of the victim to determine what tactics are likely to be the most effective.
3.having a sufficient level of ruthlessness to have no qualms about causing harm to the victim if necessary.
Consequently the manipulation is likely to be covert (relational aggressive or passive aggressive).[2]
[edit] How manipulators control their victims[edit] According to BraikerBraiker[1] identified the following basic ways that manipulators control their victims:
positive reinforcement - includes praise, superficial charm, superficial sympathy (crocodile tears), excessive apologizing; money, approval, gifts; attention, facial expressions such as a forced laugh or smile; public recognition.
negative reinforcement - includes nagging, yelling, the silent treatment, intimidation, threats, swearing, emotional blackmail, the guilt trap, sulking, crying, and playing the victim.
intermittent or partial reinforcement - Partial or intermittent negative reinforcement can create an effective climate of fear and doubt, for example in terrorist attacks. Partial or intermittent positive reinforcement can encourage the victim to persist - for example in most forms of gambling, the gambler is likely to win now and again but still lose money overall.
punishment
traumatic one-trial learning - using verbal abuse, explosive anger, or other intimidating behavior to establish dominance or superiority; even one incident of such behavior can condition or train victims to avoid upsetting, confronting or contradicting the manipulator.
[edit] According to SimonSimon[2] identified the following manipulative techniques:
Lying: It is hard to tell if somebody is lying at the time they do it although often the truth may be apparent later when it is too late. One way to minimize the chances of being lied to is to understand that some personality types (particularly psychopaths) are experts at the art of lying and cheating, doing it frequently, and often in subtle ways.
Lying by omission: This is a very subtle form of lying by withholding a significant amount of the truth. This technique is also used in propaganda.
Denial: Manipulator refuses to admit that he or she has done something wrong.
Rationalization: An excuse made by the manipulator for inappropriate behavior. Rationalization is closely related to spin.
Minimization: This is a type of denial coupled with rationalization. The manipulator asserts that his or her behavior is not as harmful or irresponsible as someone else was suggesting, for example saying that a taunt or insult was only a joke.
Selective inattention or selective attention: Manipulator refuses to pay attention to anything that may distract from his or her agenda, saying things like "I don't want to hear it".
Diversion: Manipulator not giving a straight answer to a straight question and instead being diversionary, steering the conversation onto another topic.
Evasion: Similar to diversion but giving irrelevant, rambling, vague responses, weasel words.
Covert intimidation: Manipulator throwing the victim onto the defensive by using veiled (subtle, indirect or implied) threats.
Guilt tripping: A special kind of intimidation tactic. A manipulator suggests to the conscientious victim that he or she does not care enough, is too selfish or has it easy. This usually results in the victim feeling bad, keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious and submissive position.
Shaming: Manipulator uses sarcasm and put-downs to increase fear and self-doubt in the victim. Manipulators use this tactic to make others feel unworthy and therefore defer to them. Shaming tactics can be very subtle such as a fierce look or glance, unpleasant tone of voice, rhetorical comments, subtle sarcasm. Manipulators can make one feel ashamed for even daring to challenge them. It is an effective way to foster a sense of inadequacy in the victim.
Playing the victim role ("poor me"): Manipulator portrays him- or herself as a victim of circumstance or of someone else's behavior in order to gain pity, sympathy or evoke compassion and thereby get something from another. Caring and conscientious people cannot stand to see anyone suffering and the manipulator often finds it easy to play on sympathy to get cooperation.
Vilifying the victim: More than any other, this tactic is a powerful means of putting the victim on the defensive while simultaneously masking the aggressive intent of the manipulator.
Playing the servant role: Cloaking a self-serving agenda in guise of a service to a more noble cause, for example saying he is acting in a certain way for "obedience" and "service" to God or a similar authority figure.
Seduction: Manipulator uses charm, praise, flattery or overtly supporting others in order to get them to lower their defenses and give their trust and loyalty to him or her.
Projecting the blame (blaming others): Manipulator scapegoats in often subtle, hard to detect ways.
Feigning innocence: Manipulator tries to suggest that any harm done was unintentional or did not do something that they were accused of. Manipulator may put on a look of surprise or indignation. This tactic makes the victim question his or her own judgment and possibly his own sanity.
Feigning confusion: Manipulator tries to play dumb by pretending he or she does not know what you are talking about or is confused about an important issue brought to his attention.
Brandishing anger: Manipulator uses anger to brandish sufficient emotional intensity and rage to shock the victim into submission. The manipulator is not actually angry, he or she just puts on an act. He just wants what he wants and gets "angry" when denied.
[edit] Vulnerabilities exploited by manipulatorsAccording to Braiker,[1] manipulators exploit the following vulnerabilities (buttons) that may exist in victims:
the "disease to please"
addiction to earning the approval and acceptance of others
Emotophobia (fear of negative emotion)
lack of assertiveness and ability to say no
blurry sense of identity (with soft personal boundaries)
low self-reliance
external locus of control
According to Simon,[2] manipulators exploit the following vulnerabilities that may exist in victims:
naïveté - victim finds it too hard to accept the idea that some people are cunning, devious and ruthless or is "in denial" if he or she is being victimized
over-conscientiousness - victim is too willing to give manipulator the benefit of the doubt and see their side of things in which they blame the victim
low self-confidence - victim is self-doubting, lacking in confidence and assertiveness, likely to go on the defensive too easily.
over-intellectualization - victim tries too hard to understand and believes the manipulator has some understandable reason to be hurtful.
emotional dependency - victim has a submissive or dependent personality. The more emotionally dependent the victim is, the more vulnerable he or she is to being exploited and manipulated.
Manipulators generally take the time to scope out the characteristics and vulnerabilities of their victim.
According to Kantor,[3] the following are vulnerable to psychopathic manipulators:
too trusting - people who are honest often assume that everyone else is honest. They commit themselves to people they hardly know without checking credentials, etc. They rarely question so-called experts.
too altruistic - the opposite of psychopathic; too honest, too fair, too empathetic
too impressionable - overly seduced by charmers. For example, they might vote for the phony politician who kisses babies.
too naïve - cannot believe there are dishonest people in the world or if there were they would not be allowed to operate.
too masochistic - lack of self-respect and unconsciously let psychopaths take advantage of them. They think they deserve it out of a sense of guilt.
too narcissistic - narcissists are prone to falling for unmerited flattery.
too greedy - the greedy and dishonest may fall prey to a psychopath who can easily entice them to act in an immoral way.
too immature - has impaired judgment and believes the exaggerated advertising claims.
too materialistic - easy prey for loan sharks or get-rich-quick schemes
too dependent - dependent people need to be loved and are therefore gullible and liable to say yes to something to which they should say no.
too lonely - lonely people may accept any offer of human contact. A psychopathic stranger may offer human companionship for a price.
too impulsive - make snap decisions about, for example, what to buy or whom to marry without consulting others.
too frugal - cannot say no to a bargain even if they know the reason why it is so cheap
the elderly - the elderly can become fatigued and less capable of multi-tasking. When hearing a sales pitch they are less likely to consider that it could be a con. They are prone to giving money to someone with a hard-luck story. See elder abuse.
[edit] Motivations of manipulatorsManipulators have three possible motivations:[1]
The need to advance their own purposes and their own gain at virtually any cost to others
The manipulator has strong needs to attain feelings of power and superiority in relationships with others
Manipulators want and need to feel in control - control freakery
[edit] Psychological conditions of manipulatorsManipulators may have any of the following psychological conditions:[1]
Machiavellian personality
narcissistic personality disorder
borderline personality disorder
avoidant personality disorder
dependent personality disorder
histrionic personality disorder
passive-aggressive behavior
type A angry personalities
antisocial personality disorder
addictive personalities.
[edit] Basic manipulative strategy of a psychopathAccording to Hare and Babiak,[4] psychopaths are always on the lookout for individuals to scam or swindle. The psychopathic approach includes three phases:
[edit] 1. Assessment phaseSome psychopaths are opportunistic, aggressive predators who will take advantage of almost anyone they meet, while others are more patient, waiting for the perfect, innocent victim to cross their path. In each case, the psychopath is constantly sizing up the potential usefulness of an individual as a source of money, power, sex, or influence. Some psychopaths enjoy a challenge while others prey on people who are vulnerable. During the assessment phase, the psychopath is able to determine a potential victim’s weak points and will use those weak points to seduce.
[edit] 2. Manipulation phaseOnce the psychopath has identified a victim, the manipulation phase begins. During the manipulation phase, a psychopath may create a persona or mask, specifically designed to ‘work’ for his or her target. A psychopath will lie to gain the trust of their victim. Psychopaths' lack of empathy and guilt allows them to lie with impunity; they do not see the value of telling the truth unless it will help get them what they want.
As interaction with the victim proceeds, the psychopath carefully assesses the victim's persona. The victim's persona gives the psychopath a picture of the traits and characteristics valued in the victim. The victim's persona may also reveal, to an astute observer, insecurities or weaknesses the victim wishes to minimize or hide from view. As an ardent student of human behavior, the psychopath will then gently test the inner strengths and needs that are part of the victim's private self and eventually build a personal relationship with the victim.
The persona of the psychopath - the “personality” the victim is bonding with - does not really exist. It is built on lies, carefully woven together to entrap the victim. It is a mask, one of many, custom-made by the psychopath to fit the victim's particular psychological needs and expectations. The victimization is predatory in nature; it often leads to severe financial, physical or emotional harm for the individual. Healthy, real relationships are built on mutual respect and trust; they are based on sharing honest thoughts and feelings. The victim's mistaken belief that the psychopathic bond has any of these characteristics is the reason it is so successful.
[edit] 3. Abandonment phaseThe abandonment phase begins when the psychopath decides that his or her victim is no longer useful. The psychopath abandons his or her victim and moves on to someone else. In the case of romantic relationships, a psychopath will usually seal a relationship with their next target before abandoning his or her current victim. Sometimes, the psychopath has three individuals on whom he or she is running game: the one who has been recently abandoned, who is being toyed with and kept in the picture in case the other two do not work out; the one who is currently being played and is about to be abandoned; and the third, who is being groomed by the psychopath, in anticipation of abandoning the current "mark". Abandonment can happen quickly and can occur without the current victim knowing that the psychopath was looking for someone new. There will be no apologies, or at least no sincere apologies, for the hurt and pain the psychopath causes, because psychopaths do not appreciate these emotions.
Friday, May 27, 2011
Mental Abuse in Second Life
Welcome to the blog. I formed this group after being manipulated and hurt by someone in SL that I love(yes I still care for him ) dearly. We were together for 18 months. When he betrayed, hurt, and shattered me, I went a little bats when I saw him doing the same things to other women, one of whom was already having problems over the relationship. I followed him and wrote bad IMs to him and to myself(to look innocent). I also got one or three bad IMs that I think he or one of his friends sent. When I finally woke up and came back to myself, I realized that I had become as bad as him. I fessed up and was treated as a pariah by some and with incredible kindness by others. I also discovered that my story was not unique. That it has happened many times to many women. So I formed this group so that people who have been hurt have a place to go for support. Where they can talk to others who understand. Where perhaps we can together put an end to the cycle of abuse. Thank you for reading this. Please take my hand and lets journey together.
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